To W(B)ed a Bong

The Bedding Diaries of a clueless, soon-to-be Bride

Friday, November 11, 2005

The Bride goes face painting

Paint, by any other name is still paint. Call it whatever you want - foundation, powder, eye shadow, mascara, liner, blush, shimmer whatever. Its all paint to me. Why would otherwise sane women spend hours before a mirror applying paint on their faces is something I have never understood. Someone please these women that they could use this time instead to:

A. Stare at lake
B. Read Shakespeare
C. Eat biriyani
D. A, B and C

For you Bongs, we will make some minor changes - we will make that fish biriyani and yes, you can read Tagore instead of Shakespeare. But please, please, can you please take off unexplicable Bong custom #142 from your list? Mrs. S has been quoting that for ever now - Thou, apparently, shalt buy face paint for thy Bride.

All face paint for wedding and reception should be bought by the groom and family, I believe. Now, I don't have a problem with that - the last thing I want to do with my money is to buy those horrid things but hey, poor Bill. Why should he buy me face paint when he could be buying me:

A. The Complete Yes Minister DVD
B. The Complete Yes Prime Minister DVD
C. The Complete New Yorker
D. A, B and C

Or so I was explaining to A yesterday while we were walking through Michigan Ave on our way home. Big mistake. A, under the pretext of going to the Borders across from Water Tower Place made me walk the entire stretch of magnificent mile and then quickly whisked me into Bloomingdale's a block away from Borders.

Me: "Do you have to buy something here?"

A: "Yeah. I want to look around for some cosmetics."

Me: "Okay"

Five minutes later, I find myself sitting in one of those tall stools with a mirror in one hand and a Bobbi Brown color map on the other while this woman in a lab coat is explaining to me the different kinds of foundations she thinks will work for my face. My face needs a foundation? Really? I thought only buildings needed foundations? A stick foundation? What the hell is that? How can I stand on a stick? Soon this lab coat woman starts applying different kinds of paint on my face - almond on one cheek and lighter almond on the other. A looks on approvingly.

A: "Yes, you are right. The darker almond is better. I think the stick is the way to go."

Me: "Yeah?"

A: "Oh yeah, your skin looks much better now."

Really? These are chemicals A, you know what chemicals are? What do you want me to do? Put Hydrochloric acid on my face? I am sure you think that will make my skin look even better.

And the lab coat woman(LCW) goes on and on:

LCW: "Our range works well for everyday make-up. Also, for bridal make-up. I get a lot of brides. And ofcourse, we are great for party make-up too".

LCW: "I get a lot of young people, you know people just out of college and starting to work. I get them set up with their everyday look. And I get a lot of older people. You know really old people like 50 or something who were never comfortable with makeup and now they want to start."

Did you hear that A? Old women? Did you hear that?

LCW: "Now I am going to neutralise your eyes".

You are going to what?

LCW: "I have to make it the same color as your cheeks, so I am going to apply this eye shadow from your eyebrows to the brush bone, then the dark brown from the bone to your eyelids, and then I am going to finish it with this black shimmer."

A: "I think she needs more color. Its an Indian wedding so she will not be wearing white"

LCW: "What color are you going to be wearing?"

How the $#%@ do I know? You ask my mom or Mrs. S.

A: "Green or Red. She isn't sure yet."

LCW: "But I think this is better. This has neutralised her eyelids and its very clean."

Three inches of paint on my face and you call it clean?

LCW: "And I think this lipstick will go well with her. Its blackberry".

Me: "Black berry? You want me to wear black lipstick?"

LCW: "No, no, don't worry. It isn't black. Its dark reddish. See."

Why the #$%^ is it called blackberry then? Who do you think you are? Research in Motion?

LCW: "Here, check yourself out in this mirror now. You can see the mositure in your face because of the cream I put in. It works well for dry skin especially in humid weather"

Why the @#$^% do I not recognize this creature in the mirror?

Me: "I like it. Its actually quite neat. Except for my eyes. It looks kind of, you know, too light and too made-up"

A: "I think its the concealer. You don't need the concealer."

Concealer? What's that? Is it like an invisible cloak? Something to hide me away? Can I apply it on my whole body and disappear right now?

A: "See the difference. You look so nice now, we should take a picture of you when we get home."

You want me to walk out like this? Are you like mad?

Later, in the bus:

A: "See they all are looking at you. They are wondering how your makeup stays so fresh"

Me: "Yes, A. I am sure thats why they are all looking at me."

Later still, at MR's apartment where I go to borrow the latest Marquez:

MR: "Who are you and what have you done with the girl I met last week?"

Me: "I killed her."

And Bill, if you are listening, the murder cost you $95. I have the receipt. Drop the check in the mail, will ya?


Blogger The Black Mamba said...

wait a minute! I think I have this all figured out... how stupid can we be!!

the groom's family buys all the makeup/facepaint etc, so they know exactly what goes on the bride's face... rather they get what they pay for.. not some super paint job just for the wedding and then later, just complaints from the brids, that - "oh, this is how I usually look." (with all these age spots, dark circles and uneven skin etc) "And that was spl. paint just for the wedding."

They can actually put their foot down and demand the same wedding look as the - everyday look.

These bongs are smart, I say ;)

10:10 AM  
Blogger s! said...

lol @ the whole episode!

double lol @ black mamba's comment!!

12:21 PM  
Blogger meditativerose said...

Wait ... you actually went to the make-up place when you could have been browsing in Borders??!! That I didn't know ... that would have made me absolutely sure you were kidnapped by aliens!!

10:56 AM  
Blogger Falstaff said...

I think you malign face paint too much. The trouble is not that people use too much face paint, the trouble is that they don't use it creatively enough. I think the American Indians had the right idea - use the paint on your face to send clear messages to those around you (though of course, this meant you had to be a lot more careful with make-up - use the wrong foundation and you could be going to war with the tribe next door; try explaining to someone who's just about to scalp you and steal your squaw that you were going for the everyday look). I mean okay, so it's unlikely that you're going to go buffalo hunting anytime soon (though given that you live in the mid-west...) but instead of war paint you could have socialite paint and bookworm paint and go-away-and-leave-me-alone paint and if-that-stupid-no-neck-monster-of-yours-lets-out-one-more-shout-I'm-going-to-baste-its-toes-over-a-slow-fire paint. The possibilities are endless. Sure, you'll get people giving you strange looks at first, but just tell them it's all the rage in Japan. After Karaoke, people will believe anything.

7:01 AM  
Blogger Veena said...

BM: You and your theories! Someday you should make your "all Americans are Bongs" theory public :)

S!: Laugh, laugh. Poor moi's dying here!

MR: Yeah, and they dropped me back in Area 51 and sent me to your apartment. I might be running evil experiments n you, beware!

Falstaff: If only the world was as creative and as loony as you are!

11:12 AM  

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