To W(B)ed a Bong

The Bedding Diaries of a clueless, soon-to-be Bride

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

This just in...

Bill and the Brides' families, after days of negotiations, have finally reached an agreement on who gets to conduct the actual wedding ceremony. The wedding will be conducted jointly by a Tam priest and a Bong priest. These priests would have to decide on wedding day what specific mantras/shlokas should be recited, in what order and who gets to recite them. They would also need to figure out how to interweave specific Tam and Bong ceremonies so as to make the process as seamless as possible.

The task of finding a Bong priest in Trivandrum will be Mr. M's responsibility. He will be talking to the local Bong association to see whether a priest is available. Reliable sources claim that there's a high possibility of some 'emergency' happening to this soon-to-be-found-Bong priest at the last minute though Mr. M has denied it quite vehmently.

It must be mentioned here that both Bill and the Bride, being non-religious to a fault, had put forth the suggestion of having no priest for the wedding. Needless to say, it was rejected within a second of the suggestion being made. Now all we look forward to is the image of both of us sitting on the mandap, all dressed up, waiting for the priests to stop fighting about which mantra to recite. Maybe we weren't meant to get married.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Flower Power

Mr M: Hello Bill, I have great news! Today we just met the most important person for the wedding.

Bill: Who did you meet? (thinks: hmm, who is this most important person? The couple aren't important for sure, but who? Elders? The priest? This being Kerala, maybe some union leader?)

Mr M: Yes, we met.... (beat of drums).... THE FLOWER GUY!

Bill: Oh. That's wonderful !?! (Man, these mallu union types have weird pseudonyms)

Mr M: Yes, he saw the mandap, he is going to decorate it with « five flowers you have never heard of, you Bombay-bred kid »

Bill: Great!

Mr M: Yes, he came today from Pollachi.

Bill: Is that like Trivandrum main market street?

Mr M: Heh heh, you are funny. Actually its not that far, he only had to drive some eight hours.

Bill: Eight hours, huh? No, that does not sound very far. (Man, this wedding thing is totally nuts!)

Update from the Bride: For the uninitiated, Pollachi is a small town in Tamland; an hour from Coimbatore(or Palghat) and its famous for its flower markets. It lies a mere 400 kms Northeast of Trivandrum where the wedding will take place.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Give the Bong a fish

Mr. S: Its all set then. We will have the wedding and reception down South and then we will have a ceremony and reception in Kolkata and ofcourse, a small reception in Bombay later.

Mr. M: Great! This is going to be a beautiful wedding. Do you have any specific customs that you would like to include as part of the marriage ceremony?

Mr. S: Of course. We have some very interesting customs. Like when 'we, the people' from the groom's side will bring a huge fish covered with sindoor. Can we get a big fish in Trivandrum?

Mr. M: A big fish? Yes, yes, we can get one of those nice handcrafted wooden fishes from the crafts institute. It will look very beautiful. We can ask them to make it in sandalwood.

Mr. S: No no Mr M. I mean a real fish.

Mr. M: A real fish?

Mr. S: Yes, a real fish

Mr. M: Like one from the sea?

Mr. S: We are used to the river ones but I guess we can make do with one from the sea instead.

Mr. M: If thats the case, maybe we can go the fishermen's pier in the morning and get one. They might have some good ones. Do we have to eat this fish?

Mr. S: Well, I guess your daughter's supposed to cook it for all of us. But no need to trouble her. Plus I am not sure whether she knows how to cook the fish.

Mr. M: I know that she can't cook...wait..er...I meant that she doesn't know how to make fish in your style. She, ofcourse, makes excellent fish molly and chettinad fish curry.

Mr. S looking very skeptical: Ofcourse, ofcourse.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Bill's song for our w(b)edding

"Bong Bong He shot me down
Bong Bong I hit the ground
Bong Bong That awful sound
Bong Bong My baby shot me down

Music played and people sang
Just for me the churchbells rang
Now he's gone I don't know why
Until this day sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie

Bong Bong He shot me down
Bong Bong I hit the ground
Bong Bong That awful sound
Bong Bong My baby shot me down"

Yeah right! Keep wishing.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

But what about the groom?

Yeah, yeah - there's a preview of Bill too. Just cut that down to half-size. Thanks again to Da Black Mamba who seems to be spending more time than me in finding wedding costumes.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Bridal look

Now that everyone is curious how the Bride is going to look in her red Banarasi sari, here's a preview.

Courtesy: Da Black Mamba.

Round 1: Banarasi vs. Kancheevaram

Mrs. S: Hello, Mrs. M. Hope you are doing well.

Mrs. M: Yes, yes. How are you Mrs. S?

Mrs. S: We are all fine. Have you heard from the children?

Mrs. M: Oh yes, they called from somewhere in Alaska; they are climbing icebergs or glaciers or something. Very dangerous, I told them. But when did they ever listen to us?

Mrs. S: Thats true! Can you hold on a minute?

(Mrs. S mutes the phone and tells her beloved: "Wonder why they didn't call us. They called her parents from Alaska." She unmutes and talks on the phone)

Mrs S: Anyways, Mrs M. We will be going to Kolkata this week and we just wanted to confirm that we will be buying a red banarasi sari for the wedding.

(Silence for a minute)

Mrs. M: But Mrs. S, We are used to buying grand, red Kancheevarams. We can buy the wedding sari ourselves.

Mrs. S: No, no. I talked to my Tamilian friend here and she says that as per Tamil custom, I have to buy the sari for my daughter-in-law!

Mrs. M: Then maybe you can buy a Kancheevaram!

Mrs. S: But our Banarasis are so grand and so beautiful.

Mrs. M: Well, lets follow the Bengali custom and we will buy the sari ourselves.

Mrs. S: No, no, we will go as per your custom.

Mrs. M: Could you hold on a minute?

(Mrs. M mutes and talks to her husband.

Mrs. M: What am I going to do? How can I let my daughter wear some random Banarasi sari for the wedding? What am I going to tell my friends?

Mr. M: Maybe she doesn't have to wear it for long and change into a Kancheevaram soon. We can always invent some ceremony or other to wear a different sari, right? You don't fight with them now.

Mrs. M: But still! How will my daughter get married without a Kancheevaram?

Mr. M: Its better than your daughter getting married without a groom.

Mrs. M makes a face and then umutes and talks into the phone)

Mrs. M: Its allright then, Mrs. S. You go ahead and buy the sari. But just wanted to let you know that the wedding sari is worn for hardly 10 minutes. We have this other ceremony for which we have to change sari.

Mrs. S: Thats allright. We will go ahead and buy the sari. Good to speak to you!

Mrs. M: Good to speak to you too, Mrs. S. Have a good trip to Kolkata.

Monday, June 13, 2005

About the blog

What does one do when one falls in love with one of those lazy, pretentious, vertically-challenged Bong men? Well, if I had any sense, I would have indulged in certain kinds of pseudo-intellectual pursuits for a couple of months and then once we had exhausted everything from Kant to Marx to Tolkien, I would have said a poignant goodbye to the man over a beautiful Key West sunset. Or maybe over some excellent Pisco sours in the the heights of Machu Pichu; there's definitely no shortage of breathtaking break-up locations. And then I would have promptly gone back home and married that nice Tam boy my appa so dutifully picked out for me and lived happily ever after. But alas! there's no point in discussing what would have been. For now, let it suffice to say that I am supposed to be getting married off to my Bong fiance on December, the 5th of this year. And I plan to document my gradual initiation(indoctrination?) into the Bong way of life in these pages in the months to come.