To W(B)ed a Bong

Au revoir

2006-01-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

Towards the end of Ian McEwan's Atonement, the protagonist seems to conclude that there could be no atonement for her as she, the novelist, could rework her book to reflect anything she wants it to. That the book is supposedly about incidents in her real life is merely incidental. In that she could shape how the world views her and her life, she becomes a kind of God. And we jobless bloggers, especially the ones who write about stuff that happens in our lives do like playing God. We take some insignificant incident from our horribly uninteresting lives and try to build what we think is an interesting story around it. As one of my favorite bloggers says again and again about his blog [I am too lazy to dig up the actual posts], the key here is to remember that everything that appears on this blog is mostly fiction. Though, you know, it is about me.

Why am I saying all this now? One, because some of you are a little concerned that this blog might be getting a little too personal and I figured its a good time to explain things. Two, because its time to say Goodbye. All good things must come to an end and hey, hang on, no, no, the marriage is not coming to an end - I said all "good" things. I started writing this blog during the heights of pre-wedding depression to provide me with some comic relief and in that sense, this blog has served its purpose. Of course, its been quite nice to hear from so many of you in the past few months and hopefully, you will stay in touch. But this bedding is over and I am the Bride no more, and this blog has to die.

PS: Regular blogging will hopefully happen in Yossarian Lives, so you can always come visit.

PPS: Bill, I know you want to do a post of 'Memories of your Melancholy Brides'. But it ain't happening on this blog. Lets see if you will ever have the enthu to actually go do something yourself. :)

PPPS: And please, no jokes about today being Friday, the 13th.

Overheard

2006-01-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

Bill is going to a conference in no, not Barcelona, that was the last one, no, no, not Germany either, that was the one before that, did you say Miami? No, that was a year ago - this one happens to be in Charleston, South Carolina. Ha Ha! So anyway, he was talking to a random friend with whom he is going to drive to Charleston.

Bill: So dude, I am in Chicago but will be in Pitt tomorrow morning. We can start driving tomorrow evening.

Bill's Driving Partner(BDP): Cool. And guess what? I am in Chicago too.

Bill: You are kidding man.

BDP: Yeah, I am getting into Pitt tonight. You know my girlfriend lives here in Chicago. So I am here once every couple of weeks.

Bill: Cool. My girlfriend lives here too. So I make it here quite often.

BDP: Really?

Bill: Yeah, those Southwest fares are pretty good. Now that Southwest is flying, other airlines also have reduced fares. I take it every other weekend actually.

BDP: I see.

Bill: Yeah, where does your girlfriend live? If she lives downtown, take Southwest as it flies into Midway. If she lives up North, better to take United or something.

BDP: Yeah, I take Southwest too. My girlfriend lives in Lakeview.

Bill: Dude, thats pretty close to where mine lives. We are in Lincoln Park. We should meet up.

BDP: Yeah. And dude..?

Bill: Yeah?

BDP: Do you mind if I ask you something?

Bill: What? Go on.

BDP: Didn't you just come back from India after a long vacation?

Bill: Yes. Just got back a week ago.

BDP: I thought you went to get married.

Bill: Ofcourse I did. So? Oh hang on, shoot. Did I say girlfriend? I meant wife. Eeeeks, that sounds so gross.

BDP: What?

Bill: Nothing dude. See ya tomorrow then?

BDP: Alright man.

Bill, darling, now I know why I love you. Just don't remember the wife and we will do just fine!

Hi-jinks in Trivandrum

2006-01-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

or, how to get alcohol after 11 in God's own country.

Sandy, Banker, Motu, Ethan and Jason decide to take Bill out to celebrate the end of his bachelordom. But what is a party without some alcohol? And so, they turn up at Big Hotel.

Sandy : Hi, we are looking to celebrate, so could you get us the wine menu?

Big Hotel Waitperson (BHW) : I am so sorry, state law prohibits us from serving alcohol after 11.

Banker : But every table has wine being served.

BHW : I will go check sir.
(back after 5 minutes)
I talked with my manager, but we cannot do it sir. All these people were served before 11. Sorry!

Sandy : Come on, everybody is still being served. What do you take us for? Anyway, our friend is getting married tomorrow, he really needs it.

BHW : Okay, I will find out again.
(back after a while)
We really cannot do it sir. All sorts of checks have been put on us.

At this point, we are getting tired of this and ready to leave. Ethan tries one last time.

Ethan : Look, we came all the way from Chicago. Do you want us to take back this image of beautiful Trivandrum?
BHW : Okay, I will go check.
........
Sirs, if it was up to me, I would gladly have obliged. But we have to be very careful with the new laws. We absolutely cannot serve wine. We will be killed by the cops. Is champagne okay with you?

Us, collectively : What????
Let us get this straight. You can serve us champagne now? How about the state law? Can we just have wine please?

BHW : (giving up) French, Italian or Spanish?

So there you have it. Wine and champagne are not really alcoholic drinks in this part of the country! These mallus, I tell you!

Toasts are made, and lots of wine are downed by everyone. Some hours later, the hotel is emptied out, apart from the intrepid few. They decide to leave, and discover the waiter has disappeared. When he finally arrives, he is treated to a big hug by Jason. When he steps back with a bemused smile, he is embraced again, and this time, gets declarations of undying love. This makes him more and more nervous, and he runs away as soon as possible.

At this point, Jason and Banker decide maybe they should get one for the road. They go up to the bar, to find no one there. Banker walks back dejectedly, and to cheer him up, Jason shows him a bottle of whiskey he has walked off with, using a five-finger discount. The gang leave discreetly, though with at least a few singing in loud voices, maybe it was not so discreet.

Scene shifts to empty beach.

Bill : How are we going to drink this without any water?

Jason : Bill, you the man! Just drink it up from the bottle.

Bill : (gulp! big gulp!) Pah, that burns the throat.

Ethan : The simple solution is, drink some more. It helps.

Bill : (gulp!) I think that works.

Sandy : Are you going to leave some for us or what?

Bill : Hey, what's a swing of whisky between friends? Here, have some. (gulp!)

Sandy : (gulp!) Bill, you are drunk!

Bill : I say NO! (gulp!)

Banker : (gulp!) I say yes!

after a few rounds of this, Bill has been force-fed the lion's share of the bottle. (Ed : Force? more like Motu had to physically threaten Bill to get his hands on the bottle! )

Bill : I am sho toshally shober, I can throw this empty boshle, er bottle, the farthesht.
(almost brains Banker, whose quick reflexes save his life). eh, that was not so good. Guys, I don't feel so good. (Keels over)

Motu : Just like him, can't handle any alcohol. Here, I will throw it far away. (almost brains Banker)

Banker : Guys, what the hell do you have against me anyway?

Bill : (waking up) I don't feel so good. (passes out again)

The author's recollection of the rest of the night are a bit hazy. He may or may not have gone skinny dipping in the Arabian Sea. He may or may not have gone to meet some Danish girls of Jason's acquaintance at four in the morning. He may or may not have been in a fight with two autorickshaw drivers. He may or may not have been carried like a "sack of potatoes" at six in the morning to his bed. He suspects the last one is true, but not the others. Motu and Banker resolutely refuse to enlighten him further. The author suspects their recollection is a bit hazy too.

Sex, Lies and DVDs

2006-01-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

"You know what I think is really weird about the way our culture treats sex?", a friend of mine asked me soon after her wedding a couple of years back.

"What?"

"Well, think about this - People have always told us not to drink right? I mean it was prohibited for sure until we were 18 or 21 or whatever. But then its not like once you cross the barrier, you are asked to drink up."

"What are you talking about?"

"That you don't have to drink once you are over 21. But in case of sex, its different. Until you get married its prohibited. After that point, its mandatory. The astrologers look at times and tell you when to have suhaag raat and you have to have sex then."

"Well, its not like junta has sex during suhaag raat. I mean, who the hell has the energy after all the tamasha one has to go through?"

"Arrey, who is talking about reality? This is about expectations silly."

"It isn't really weird then. Say you can have kids by having alcohol. Then it sure will be mandatory right after the wedding."

"But then who is it prohibited before? I still think its weird. And btw, it ain't like you think. There are enough people who have sex, and that too for the very first time during this suhaag raat nonsense."

"Oh yeah? Show me one."

"That girl M who used to hang out with us in school. She told me, she did. She said it was all very painful - she was really tired and stuff but her husband proved to be more persistent."

"That guy should be arrested for rape then."

"Yeah, try telling that to a judge. Or better still, just try telling M that. Where do you come from anyway?"

"Whatever. But tell me this. What do you think our parents will do? I mean, they don't have any illusions about us, right? So will they go in for this mandatory sex - suhaag raat thing?"

"Of course. Its got nothing to do with what they think. Suhaag raat, like the wedding itself, happens because of society dude. Actually in my case, it was quite painful - hubby's mom and my mom talked to astrologer and figured that time for suhaag raat is week after the weeding and so we were asked to sleep apart until then and then have an elaborate suhaag raat."

"I have seen that in Tam movies dude! Didn't think it happens in real life. In a way, thats good only na? Atleast you aren't tired or anything?"

"Nonsense. Its all so irritating."

"Hmm..true enough. I would like to see my parents try something like that. That would be fun."

My parents did not disappoint me. Well actually, it was Bill's parents but my parents had a part in it. So we come back from wedding hall and all the rituals at home are complete. AR and Bill help me pull out the 100-odd hairpins from "my" long, flowing hair - well, if its on my head, its mine, ain't it? - when amma walks in.

Amma: So I talked to Bill's parents.

Me: Okay, so when are we going to get Bill's stuff home?

Amma: This evening we will go pick it up. But there's something else.

Me: What?

Amma: Apparently there's some Bengali thing about suhaag raat. Some legend Bill's Dad was telling us. Something about how this girl runs away and is rescued and all that.

Me: Yeah?

Amma: Anyway, it looks like you cannot sleep in the same room the day of the wedding.

Bill: But amma, that's because Bong weddings happen at night.

Amma: Oh really?

Me: Of course.

Amma: Regardless, your parents are quite sure about this. So we will get your stuff and you can sleep in the other bedroom.

Me: Oh yeah?

Amma: Yes, after two days, you can sleep in this room. Anyway, that stupid curtain guy isn't here today.

Bill: What curtain guy?

Me: Long story. Amma wanted to change the curtains in the room, so she threw the old ones away and told the curtain guy to bring in new ones. Strategically he isn't here yet!

Amma: I told me very clearly that we needed it yesterday. He isn't here. Anyway, so that's settled.

Me: What's settled again?

Amma: Err..Bill will sleep in the other bedroom the next couple of days.

At this point, I was having way too much fun to give up. My poor Mom!

Me: No, he won't actually. We need the space. Hazaar guests need bedrooms too, you see.

Amma: That we will manage somehow.

Me: No, we won't.

Amma: Why are you making a big deal about this? I know you very well, this is just to make me angry. Its what his parents want. Nothing to do with me okay?

Me: Oh no, its a question of principle. I refuse not to sleep with my husband on my wedding day.

AR and Bill burst out laughing. Appa comes into the room.

Appa: What? Who is sleeping where now?

Amma: You, you talk to your daughter. She and Bill will sleep here only, she's saying. You tell her what his parents told us.

Appa: They did. But then they aren't going to ask you next time they meet you where these two were sleeping right?

Amma: What?

Appa: Bill's parents won't ask you so why don't you just let them be?

Amma: This is how you spoil your daughter. Say yes to everything she says. Oh God! What will I do now?

Appa: You will do nothing. The wedding is over and now you can just chill.

That actually wasn't the end of the suhaag raat story. There was another hilarious one in Kolkata but that will require a different post. But meanwhile, I did think of this new business plan - cost savings for the porn industry actually. If anyway junta has to sleep with each other on suhaag raat, might as well get the guy who makes the painful wedding DVDs to also make a suhaag raat DVD. And then maybe people like this won't complain anymore! :)

Where is your thali?

2005-12-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

The day after the wedding. My room. Gifts and saris strewn all over the place. AR, Bill, Appa and I are chatting when Amma comes in.

Amma: So you guys are going to BG's place.

Appa: Yes, yes. AR wants to see the garden and so we are all leaving now. We will be back for lunch. And then we have to drop Bill's family at the station.

Amma: Okay. So are you all ready? (Staring at me.)

Bill: Yes. We are just about to leave actually.

Amma: Really? (Still staring at me.)

AR: Yes aunty. Uncle, chal. Lets go.

Amma: Where is your thali? (Thali in Tam or Mallu - Mangal sutra)

Moi: How do I know? I gave it to you na. Yesterday evening with all the other jewelry.

Amma: Let me take it out then. You wear it and go.

Moi: Not happening.

Amma: No one will believe you are married.

Moi: Thali or not, even I don't believe I am married. So what?

Amma: Why don't you understand kutti? People will stare at you and talk behind your back.

Moi: So?

Amma: Maybe you don't care about such things. But I do.

Moi: Exactly. That's why you wear your thali na?

Amma: Oh God? What am I going to do with this girl? Bill, why don't you tell her?

Bill: Me? I am not getting involved in this.

Amma: You are like this because of your Dad. He doesn't say anything when you do stuff like this.

Appa: Now its all my fault as usual. (Turns to me.) Why don't you wear that darned thing for a day?

Moi: I did wear it for a day. Yesterday. We had a deal remember? That I would wear it for a day and never have to touch it ever again. You better keep your side of the bargain now.

Appa: She is right. She did wear everything you wanted her to wear yesterday. You give her a break now.

Amma: Can you shut up for sometime? You have spoilt her enough.

Appa: Ofcourse.

AR: Aunty, you can always tell people that Bongs don't have thali.

Amma: But they have that bangle na?

AR: Well, your daughter's in-laws haven't given her the bangle, so it doesn't count.

Amma: They will give it to her in Kolkata. I would like to see her refuse that.

Bill: She didn't really refuse the thali. She wore it for a day. I am sure she will do the same with this bangle thing.

Amma: So you are all on her side now? (Tears in eyes)

All three men fall for the tears and switch sides.

Bill: Hey, maybe you can wear it for today.

AR: C'mon dude, just for the day.

As usual, Appa whispers with the brightest idea of the lot.

Appa: Take it and wear it now. Take it off when you step outside the house. How does it matter?

Moi: No, no melodrama will make me do this. Now she will say thali. Then she will have hazaar other jewelry. I shouldn't have agreed to get married at all. Its all my fault.

Amma: Aiyayo! You do what you want. Don't say things like that. (Eyes flooding like the Brahmaputra now.)

Moi: You think I can't cry? Here, check this out. (Trying hard and manage to generate one teardrop.)

Amma: Its all my fate. What to do? Stop acting now and do what you want. (Eyes stop flooding.)

Moi: Okay people. Lets go.

And thus all unsuspecting visitors and people we go to visit stare long and hard at my neck and decide never to let their kids talk to me again. Really can't complain about that!

In other news, Bill has left for Bombay and I am getting my home back. Yesternight was the best night of my vacation so far - It was just moi and appa and amma and we finally had my mom's dosa and sambar for dinner. If there's heaven on earth, this surely must be it.

When a Kerala girl marries a Behala boy - The Kerala Diaries - Part 1

2005-12-17T02:52:00.000-08:00

In which Bill arrives with his "Baraat"

The family has to go receive Bill at Trivandrum airport. Interestingly enough, the Bride cannot be let out of home, and cannot go to the airport. Bill's friends are sure they cannot meet each other for the next two days, and start discussing plans of sneaking up to the balcony in moonlight.

Soon after arriving, Bill is whisked off to a big Raymond's store to fit him for a suit. The theme music of Godfather plays in Bill's mind as he is told the suit will be ready in ten hours. Bill has to think about weighty issues such as two buttons or three? single pleat or flat front? Needless to say, he has no clue what the fashionable man is supposed to wear, and ultimately, closes his eyes and mutters a random one. The tailors are suitably impressed by his quick decision skills. Apparently, normal people take their time, look over the fashion magazines lying around and then decide, while Bill is totally clued in to what he wants.

After being tired out shopping, it is casually mentioned that Bill will be dropped off at the Bride's home. Before he can react, he is pushed out of the car and about 50 aunties descend on him to do aarti. He is then taken inside, and made to sit in the couch of honor. About 200 people take seats in front, and give him a good stare. Since there is no common language to communicate in, Bill wonders whether he is expected to sing or perform magic tricks.

In the night, the Bride has to be blessed by elders by putting rice on her head. Bill returns with his family, and the family is promptly conned into the rice throwing ceremony. They are completely lost with people shouting instructions at them in Tamil.

Bill's friends decide that the Bride has been harassed enough, and it is time to harass the groom. They go talk to elders and convince them Bongs have a custom of blessing the groom by making him eat sweets. Bill is promptly tied to a seat, big laddoos are brought out, and he is force-fed till he is on the point of throwing up.

After dinner, Bill and friends decide to go on a bachelor party to Kovalam beach. Ethan and Jason, the already-mentioned firangs, immediately switch to the groom's side and accompany the group. Actually, the party requires a post by itself, so wait for the next post.

Back home...

2005-12-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

after the Kolkata celebrations. Hope to spend a quiet week at home before the Bombay madness starts. Also hope to chronicle events of the past two weeks sometime this week. For now, here's Black Mamba's Kolkata post and yes, she has some pictures.

Thanks to all of you who...

2005-12-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

have sent in your wishes to Mrs. and Mr. S. Its really nice that you guys remember their upcoming 30th bedding anniversary. But I must say that they would be more happier if you send wishes to their emails ids and not mine.

Yes you idiots, I am keeping my unpronouncable name. All emails with references to Mrs S will be sent to Bill's mom.

Off to Poovar today. Hope to have long updates and some pictures in tomorrow.

One down, two to go

2005-12-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

Bill did end up wearing the topor a.k.a the clown cap for the wedding. He took it off multiple times but the kid bro-in-law was more persistent.

More to come.

Wedding Bulletin #2

2005-12-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

- Ethan, formerly of Chicago, now doing some NGO-giri in Bombay turned up with friend Jason yesterday. They have agreed to be the mandatory firangs an the wedding. They provided wholesome entertainment for everyone at home climbing up coconut trees and jackfruit trees in my yard. Ethan wanted to know all about what's happening in Chicago and so I started talking about the snowstorm that blanketed the midwest the day I left. "Snow?", he asked "did you say snow? What is that?"

- The pre-bedding event coordinators meeting was held yesterday. Teams were set up for handling reception, food, transportation, accommodation, decoration and Misc. My input was completely ignored.

- The number of people inside my home has increased exponentially over the last couple of days. We only talk in terms of headcount and tickets now.

- The groom's party arrive today. I have been asked to stay at home and do nothing.

- Fights between mom and moi are spiraling out of control. The latest is about what jewelry to wear when sitting at home doing nothing. No compromise has been arrived at. Everyone's been telling me that I should wear hazaar jewelry at home as hazaar people will come to see me. My point is that if they are coming to see jewelry they should go to Bhima. Needless to say, people don't agree.

Can I please have my home back?

2005-11-30T18:34:00.000-08:00

My home is fast becoming a war zone.

My extended family thinks I am weird. But the good thing is that they have gotten used to my weirdness. So they might not understand my "unnatural" need for privacy inside my home but they dare not come into my room when I am around. But this morning, I woke up to find one of my aunts from the village peacefully sitting on the armchair waiting for me to wake up. When she saw that I was awake, she started shouting at me for not growing my hair. I ignored her completely and went downstairs to find my mom so that I could shout at her. I couldn't find either of my parents and it looked as if my relatives from all over the country have taken over my house. Most of them, when they saw me, started shouting at me. How dare you look like that? Why aren't you wearing anything on your neck? And why do you look so plain? What about your hair? How are you going to look like a bride with such short hair? And why are you wearing your pajamas? Go shower and come back and wear a saree now. What will people think?

We need a phone attendant to answer all the calls. The phones ring incessantly and no one knows anymore who is calling and who is answering. Like this morning when the priest called and my uncle for some reason assumed it was the caterer. They both were talking about lists for the wedding and my uncle started talking about lentils and masaala podis. The priest couldn't figure out why you need chilli powder for the wedding ceremony and he started shouting.

In the middle of all this chaos, Uma di points me to a 180-day guide for brides which I am supposed to read before the bedding. Please, can someone condense it into an one pager and send it to me? Otherwise I will be so lost at piya ke ghar!

Wedding Bulletin #1

2005-11-29T18:31:00.000-08:00

Talked to Bill after playing phone tag for the past 4 days. He says that his peaceful Bong household is in uproar. Parents are indulging in heavy amounts of emotional blackmail(things that you usually associate with my family) so that they can get him to wear the clown cap for the wedding. Apparently, he's lost all Bong culture because he refuses to wear all kinds of colorful threads that the priest wants him to wear. Needless to say, the fact that he's getting married to one of those uncivilized people from down South ain't helping matters. As of now, his only defense is that whatever he's lost, he hasn't lost more culture than his brother, so they ought to be happy. That the bro-in-law is away at school helps, I guess.

Meanwhile here at home, sari store salesmen love me. Who else chooses the wedding sari in under 11 minutes, they ask! Jewelry store people cannot seem to figure me out. They actually refuse to believe that I am the bride as I seem to be the most disinterested person in the store. I have decided that I am done with my jewelry store quota for this lifetime. I have better things to do with my time and your money, I have told my parents.

I am also discovering that there's more to the sari than meets the eye. I decided to wear saris for wedding and all the receptions as I thought its reasonably painless - there's no fitting and refitting and all that nonsense. But I completely forgot the blouse - getting them stitched and fitted is turning out to be a nightmare and it looks like my life revolves around the tailoring shop.

Good news of the day: Cousin K and I are on our way to big, evil jewelry store when my Dad calls. Apparently, he's running out of invites(1400 have gone out already) and wants to get 300 more printed asap. K calls the printer and sweet talks him into getting them printed on the same day. Two cops try to pull us over as they see K driving and talking on his cellphone. K doesn't stop but says that they would have broadcast the number and so he will get pulled over at the next big intersection. Right in front of the Thampanoor railway station, two other cops stop us. K pulls over and takes out his cellphone. Now Trivandrum is about who you know and lets just say that K knows enough people. He calls the AC and "explains the situation". He then tells the cops that the AC wants to talk to them. The two cops peacefully tell him that if the AC wants to talk to them, he would call them on their phone and slap K with a 1000 rupee fine. Long live Kerala Police!

You are buying me what?

2005-11-28T18:48:00.000-08:00

Mrs S: So its this tradition we have. We bring plates full of cosmetics, jewelry and saris et al.

Me: We have something similar, I think. Though I don't think cosmetics is included.

Mrs S: That's why we have to go shopping today.

Me: Really? But you already got saris and jewelry and stuff.

Mrs S: What about slippers? And handbag? And I have to buy you salwars too.

Me: You bring slippers and handbags too on plates?

Mrs S: Ofcourse.

So we went to one of those ubiquitous malls in Bombay which Mrs and Mr S seem to adore and shopped till we dropped dead. Yes, it was right after we got off those two eight-hour flights. We got slippers, handbags and we were looking for salwars when Mrs S strategically stopped in front of what looked like a lingerie store.

Mrs S: And oh, I forgot. I need to get you some night clothes too.

Me: You have to get me what?

Mrs S: Come, come we will get you a nice slip or something.

Me: Excuse me?

Mrs S: Yeah, its part of the tradition. Get whatever you want.

Me: No aunty. I am not getting anything. You are not buying me lingerie. It has no utility value - you are just going to waste more money.

Mrs S: Really?

Me: Yes, I am. We can get other things, I am sure.

Mrs S: Are you sure? (Mrs S gives Mr S one very sorry look.)

Mr S: Yes, yes, just get her what she wants na?

Mrs S: Okay then.

Later,

Me: Do you think your mom thinks I am all evil now?

Bill: No yaar. She is fine.

Me: Are you sure?

Bill: When did you start worrying about what my mom thinks?

Me: Arrey..she looked so sad na?

Bill: Its okay. Chill. I will tell her that I got you enough lingerie, so its okay.

Me: That's supposed to make her feel better right?

Bill: Well, she asked for it, didn't she?

Me: That, she most definitely did.

Random coversations

2005-11-28T18:01:00.000-08:00

Coversation 1:

Realization struck when we were above the Black sea. I woke up Bill.

Me: Hey, you won't believe how stupid I was.

Sleepy Bill: Actually, I will. What did you do now?

Me: You know how I had to check in my rollerblade suitcase at the gate in Frankfurt?

Bill: Yes, but I saw you take out your documents and put it in your backpack. Don't worry.

Me: There's some stuff there that I did not pull out.

Bill: Like what?

Me: Like my digital camera.

Bill: What? And what else?

Me: Remember that box full of jewelry that my mom got when she came to visit.

Bill: That was stupid. How could you forget about them?

Me: Well, I did. What should we do now?

Bill: I don't know. How can you be so stupid? Its unlocked right?

Me: Yeah.

Bill: There's really we can do.

Me: Yeah. I think we should have some faith in our fellow countrymen, don't you think?

Bill: Yes. Why do we assume the worst of them anyways?

Bill promptly went back to sleep. I went back to Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrel.

Coversation 2:

On Friday evening, Mrs. S was franctically searching her Hobbit-size home for something. She was all flustered, muttering in Bangla. She wouldn't reply to anything I said.

Me: Your mom refuses to talk to me.

Bill: Na, she's just flustered. She is searching, can't you see?

Me: For what?

Bill: She is supposed to give you some stuff to take to Trivandrum, I believe. Like some blouse material so that you can get them stitched.

Me: So she can't find them now?

Bill: Yeah.

Me: Maybe it ain't too bad. I can wear that Kancheepuram instead.

Bill: Yeah right.

Me: But why isn't she talking to me?

Bill: Arrey, my mom's like that. She is worried.

Me: Because she cannot find some blouse material?

Bill: Yeah, my family's like that.

Mr S: Here you are. Let me read out your program in Kolkata.

Me: You have a program?

Mr S: Yes, hour by hour itinerary. Its all planned.

Bill: Did I ever tell you he worked in the military for 30 years?

Me: Yeah, I can see that.

Coversation 3:

At home, my mom shouts at my dad.

Mom: There are so many invites that we have to give out.

Dad: I know. I have it all planned. Three more days we need.

Mom: What's your plan?

Dad: I remember the list of people we still have to go give invites. We will just go.

Mom: You call that a plan?

Dad: Chill okay?

Mom: Okay, you do give invites then. I have to take the Bride to get her saris and jewelry. There's so much work to be done.

Dad: Nonsense, you have to come with me to give away invites. We can do all shopping on Friday.

Mom: On Friday? When is your daughter's wedding? Next year?

Dad: I said Chill na. It will all get done.

Mom: Right.

Wanted

2005-11-26T09:07:00.000-08:00

Woman with 12-month old baby for a half-hour stint in Kerala next Monday. Baby need not be hers but baby should be short for its age. Woman and baby should come to a wedding mandap at a strategic, predetermined moment and claim to have been betrayed by the groom. Food(special cook from chettinad) and accommodation will be provided for the day. If performance is successful, will provide referral letters for other prospective brides. If interested, please email me asap.

This Bedding Bill Be Blogged

2005-11-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

Bandwidth and amma willing, of course.

Bill and moi are setting out on our final leg towards "the undiscovered country from whose bourn / no traveller returns" (Shakespeare via Falstaff). I spend a day in Bombay shopping and then to Kerala where the wedding will take place. I hope to keep this blog updated with all gory details leading up to the wedding - after all, turning everything that's going to happen into entertaining tidbits might be the only thing that will keep me sane in the days to come.

Watch this space!

In mourning

2005-11-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Bill: What's my marital status? Its on the visa form.

Bride: What? Single.

Bill: I am going for my stamping on Dec 22nd.

Bride: Oh. Mine's on the 14th.

Bill: Yeah. That makes us Married.

Bride: @#$%

Bill: I know.

Bride: Can we run away from mandap?

Bill: Nonsense. This is serious.

Bride: I know.

Bill: @#$%. What are we going to do?

Bride: How the @#$% do I know?

Bill and I spent our last single weekend together(we won't spend another weekend with each other until after the wedding) mourning the imminent loss of freedom and singledom. To think that we will become virtuous and will not live in sin again. To think that from now on, we have to introduce each other as husband / wife. Is there really no hope after all?

The Bride goes face painting

2005-11-11T07:37:00.000-08:00

Paint, by any other name is still paint. Call it whatever you want - foundation, powder, eye shadow, mascara, liner, blush, shimmer whatever. Its all paint to me. Why would otherwise sane women spend hours before a mirror applying paint on their faces is something I have never understood. Someone please these women that they could use this time instead to:

A. Stare at lake
B. Read Shakespeare
C. Eat biriyani
D. A, B and C

For you Bongs, we will make some minor changes - we will make that fish biriyani and yes, you can read Tagore instead of Shakespeare. But please, please, can you please take off unexplicable Bong custom #142 from your list? Mrs. S has been quoting that for ever now - Thou, apparently, shalt buy face paint for thy Bride.

All face paint for wedding and reception should be bought by the groom and family, I believe. Now, I don't have a problem with that - the last thing I want to do with my money is to buy those horrid things but hey, poor Bill. Why should he buy me face paint when he could be buying me:

A. The Complete Yes Minister DVD
B. The Complete Yes Prime Minister DVD
C. The Complete New Yorker
D. A, B and C

Or so I was explaining to A yesterday while we were walking through Michigan Ave on our way home. Big mistake. A, under the pretext of going to the Borders across from Water Tower Place made me walk the entire stretch of magnificent mile and then quickly whisked me into Bloomingdale's a block away from Borders.

Me: "Do you have to buy something here?"

A: "Yeah. I want to look around for some cosmetics."

Me: "Okay"

Five minutes later, I find myself sitting in one of those tall stools with a mirror in one hand and a Bobbi Brown color map on the other while this woman in a lab coat is explaining to me the different kinds of foundations she thinks will work for my face. My face needs a foundation? Really? I thought only buildings needed foundations? A stick foundation? What the hell is that? How can I stand on a stick? Soon this lab coat woman starts applying different kinds of paint on my face - almond on one cheek and lighter almond on the other. A looks on approvingly.

A: "Yes, you are right. The darker almond is better. I think the stick is the way to go."

Me: "Yeah?"

A: "Oh yeah, your skin looks much better now."

Really? These are chemicals A, you know what chemicals are? What do you want me to do? Put Hydrochloric acid on my face? I am sure you think that will make my skin look even better.

And the lab coat woman(LCW) goes on and on:

LCW: "Our range works well for everyday make-up. Also, for bridal make-up. I get a lot of brides. And ofcourse, we are great for party make-up too".

LCW: "I get a lot of young people, you know people just out of college and starting to work. I get them set up with their everyday look. And I get a lot of older people. You know really old people like 50 or something who were never comfortable with makeup and now they want to start."

Did you hear that A? Old women? Did you hear that?

LCW: "Now I am going to neutralise your eyes".

You are going to what?

LCW: "I have to make it the same color as your cheeks, so I am going to apply this eye shadow from your eyebrows to the brush bone, then the dark brown from the bone to your eyelids, and then I am going to finish it with this black shimmer."

A: "I think she needs more color. Its an Indian wedding so she will not be wearing white"

LCW: "What color are you going to be wearing?"

How the $#%@ do I know? You ask my mom or Mrs. S.

A: "Green or Red. She isn't sure yet."

LCW: "But I think this is better. This has neutralised her eyelids and its very clean."

Three inches of paint on my face and you call it clean?

LCW: "And I think this lipstick will go well with her. Its blackberry".

Me: "Black berry? You want me to wear black lipstick?"

LCW: "No, no, don't worry. It isn't black. Its dark reddish. See."

Why the #$%^ is it called blackberry then? Who do you think you are? Research in Motion?

LCW: "Here, check yourself out in this mirror now. You can see the mositure in your face because of the cream I put in. It works well for dry skin especially in humid weather"

Why the @#$^% do I not recognize this creature in the mirror?

Me: "I like it. Its actually quite neat. Except for my eyes. It looks kind of, you know, too light and too made-up"

A: "I think its the concealer. You don't need the concealer."

Concealer? What's that? Is it like an invisible cloak? Something to hide me away? Can I apply it on my whole body and disappear right now?

A: "See the difference. You look so nice now, we should take a picture of you when we get home."

You want me to walk out like this? Are you like mad?

Later, in the bus:

A: "See they all are looking at you. They are wondering how your makeup stays so fresh"

Me: "Yes, A. I am sure thats why they are all looking at me."

Later still, at MR's apartment where I go to borrow the latest Marquez:

MR: "Who are you and what have you done with the girl I met last week?"

Me: "I killed her."

And Bill, if you are listening, the murder cost you $95. I have the receipt. Drop the check in the mail, will ya?

The Education of Bill

2005-11-03T07:28:00.000-08:00

Bill: I just talked to my mom. You aren't going to believe this.

Me: What's happening now?

Bill: Do you really want to know?

Me: Yeaah

Bill: I think its all those Bong association people. They conned her.

Me: Into what?

Bill: She says that she wants to do all Bong ceremonies that happen before the wedding.

Me: Like where? You guys turn up in Kerala on the 3rd and there's no time for any Bong ceremony.

Bill: Yeah, she knows that. So she wants to do it in Bombay.

Me: But I am in Bombay only for a day. That too, all jetlag will happen.

Bill: Who said this has anything to do with you? You don't have to be there.

Me: Really? This is interesting. Now I want to hear all about this. Tell me about these ceremonies.

Bill: And I thought I will have a peaceful week in Bombay. I will go meet junta and maybe go to the "institution" and just chill.

Me: So what are you going to be doing instead?

Bill: I am not entirely sure.

Me: Oh c'mon.

Bill: Apparently, hazaar Bong auntys will turn up. All the Bong association ones.

Me: Hang on. I am starting to get the idea. Does this involve you and turmeric?

Bill: Arrgghh. We aren't that gross also!

Me: Man, this is so funny. Let me picture this. You will be sitting bare chested in the middle of the room and all these Bong aunts will sit around you and put turmeric on you. I love this!

Bill: I am sure you do. It ain't happening.

Me: Do you know that for sure? And then they will educate poor kid on the facts of life.

Bill: What???

Me: Well, what do you expect? They will give you all sex advice. Poor innocent kid, doesn't know anything, they will say. Let us educate him.

Bill: Shut up, will ya?

Me: Will you promise to take pictures?

Bill: What? Are you mad?

Me: Well, okay. I will just con your brother to take pictures.

Bill: He will be away at school. He won't be there.

Me: I am sure he would be more than happy to come home for a day or two. Esp since he would get to see his brother getting inducted. Let him also get some education na?

Bill: You will do no such thing. You will not con my brother to take pictures.

Me: Oh yeah?

Bill: Hey, do you think I need to come to Kerala early?

Me: No, you aren't needed there.

Bill: Maybe I am. Maybe I can help with all the wedding arrangements.

Me: Like how? You can't speak one word of Mallu. You will only be in the way.

Bill: Please, take pity on me, will you?

The Nazgul cometh

2005-11-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

The days are going darker. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the water. Rumors grow of a dark power rising in the East. The Dark Lord of Holy Matrimony has sent his servants to the windy city in search of the one Bride. The Nazgul will get here by Friday night. There is no escape.

Glitter Glitter

2005-11-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

Transcript of conversation I have with my mom every day now:

Me: Hello amma. How are you? What's happening?

Mom: Nothing is happening. Your Dad is so inefficient. Nothing ever gets done.

Me: Yeah?

Mom: We go to give invitations. He sits down and explains life, universe and everything to them. Each place we go, we are taking one hour. At this pace, we will finish giving invitations by next year this time.

Me: That's not so bad. Maybe we could postpone wedding to next year? We need everyone to turn up na.

Mom: I knew you were going to say that. What exactly is your problem with marriage again?

Me: Very simple. I don't believe in it.

Mom: Good. So it doesn't make a difference whether and when you get married. That's all I want to hear.

Me: Whatever.

Mom: So we have to go to Bhima today. (Bhima being big, evil jewelry store in Malluland where the Mallus go to buy tons and tons of gold for their daughters' weddings.)

Me: Why?

Mom: To buy kathirikai, why else will we go to Bhima? (Kathirikai - Brinjal)

Me: But who are you buying jewelry for? What do you need to buy?

Mom: Kalyanponnu pesura pecha idhu? (Is this how a soon-to-be bride talks?) People are asking me how I am going to manage with the basic jewelry we have? You will look so plain.

Me: Yeah, I am so plain that you have to hide me with gold.

Mom: That's not what I meant. Why don't you understand? You know I don't like or wear a lot of jewelry but this is your wedding. You should wear some na kannu?

Me: Even if I agree with you that I need to wear some gold, that some we already have na?

Mom: No, we don't. You don't even have a diamond necklace. What's wrong with one diamond necklace?

Me: Just give me the money. I have better uses for it, that's all.

Mom: Yeah yeah, you will take the money and go on a trip to Antartica next.

Me: Sounds like a plan actually.

Mom: Listen, its my money and I will do what makes me happy. You only say all the time that I should always do what makes me happy right? So I will go buy diamond necklace for my daughter and be happy.

Me: But daughter doesn't want diamond necklace. Why don't you use that money to help starving people?

Mom: Why don't you use the money that you spend gallivanting around the world to help starving children? You know as well as I do that these are not mutually exclusive things. And I know what you will bring up next - how diamond extraction and gold mining is killing people and the environment. How many times we have been through all this?

Me: Exactly. You never understand.

Mom: No, you refuse to see the point. I cannot and will not live my life by your standards. Esp when all you are doing is making up excuses for something that you do not want to do. I want my daughter to have a proper wedding and why don't you ever understand that?

Me: Well, okay go get me a diamond necklace. I will call off the wedding. Then you can be happy.

Mom: What nonsense you talk! Okay, maybe not diamond. But I saw this intricate gold choker which I think will suit you perfectly.

Me: Hmm..maybe. But actually ma, Bongs don't wear too much gold. Bill was telling me how they literally wear no jewelry for their weddings.

Mom: Oh yeah? That's why for Roy uncle's daughter's wedding they had some 3 kg of gold on that girl?

Me: Maybe that's the Mallu influence. Why would Bill lie to me?

Mom: The question kannamma is why would you lie to me.

Sari Wars Episode 3 - The In-Law Menace

2005-10-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

If you missed the previous episodes, you can read them here and here.

So I finally got Bill to talk to the mom-in-law about this whole sari while I am in Kolkata nonsense. Bill claims that he explained to her that if the brand new daughter-in-law were to trip over her sari right when enters the family home, people in Kolkata might not see it as a good omen. After all, it isn't like they aren't already talking about what will happen to your children if you ever move out of Bongland to live in evil cities like Bombay. The children will go away and marry vague Tamilians from Malluland who needless to say, don't know the first thing about Bong culture. Mom-in-law ponders over this and decides that Bill has a point. So she hands him a sari schedule for the time we are in Kolkata.

Dec 9, 7 PM - Reception party will be in Dum Dum. But since she thinks that I will not be able to get out of the plane without tripping over my sari, no need for sari in flight.

Dec 10, 9 AM - Sari necessary. This is when I will be taken to family home and shown where the spices are. Hint Hint. (Can someone tell me which other culture has a blatant ceremony where they show the bride the spices in the kitchen? And then they talk of the Renaissance. These Bongs, I say!)

Dec 10, 12 noon - Sari necessary. I supposedly serve rice and fish to all and sundry. (Personally, I think this is the best time to trip over the sari. What say?)

Dec 10, evening - Free time, no need for sari. I will be taken around Kolkata.

Dec 11, 12 noon-10 PM - Sari time again. Out of towners will start arriving for the reception, so need to wear sari entire time.

Dec 12, morning - No need for sari. Sightseeing time again! Yippee!

Dec 12, 2 PM - Sari time. Go see grand aunt, try to speak Bong to her.

Dec 12, 4 PM - Go to family Kali temple. Sari absolutely necessary. Kali ma is known to get angry at new brides who go to see her in anything other than sari.

Dec 12, 6 PM - Dinner at uncle's place. No need for sari.

Dec 13, 12 noon - Time to get back to civilized parts of the country. So can wear anything I like.

Note: This sari schedule is not finalized yet. This has to be approved by conservative aunt in Kolkata before it goes into effect.

In other news, the Dads have decided to set up weekly status calls every Sunday to coordinate wedding details. What is interesting is that Bill's parents have zero inputs on the Kerala wedding and my parents have zero inputs on the Kolkata and Bombay receptions, so no one really knows what they are coordinating. Think a lifetime of working in the central government have turned both men into seasoned Sir Humphrey Applebys, so what the hell? Let them have their fun.

Pujo talk

2005-10-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Transcript of last weekend's conversation with Bill's mom.

Me: Hello aunty. How are you?

Mrs. S: I am fine. How are you?

Me: I am doing okay.

Mrs. S: You have get ashirwad from me since its pujo.

Me: Oh yes, I remember now. Shubho bejoya!

Mrs. S: Well, when you talk to elders, you are supposed to say bejoya pronam. Shubho bejoya is for people your age.

Me: Oh okay. Bejoyo pronam. Bill never told me that!

Mrs. S: Tell him to teach you Bengali. Its okay if you don't know how to talk Bengali. But when you are in Kolkata, you should understand what people are saying na?

Me: Yes aunty. (Let your son get around to saying my beloved "Tamizh zha" atleast once and then we will think about it. And anyway all I have to do is to cut off a couple of letters from Hindi and "sho"ize every other word and its Bong. What's the big deal?)

Mrs. S: And dear, how long is your hair now? I know you like short hair but your mother was saying that you were planning to grow it long for the wedding. She said that you have to have an elaborate flower arrangement on your hair.

Me: I am not sure about that. I did decide to grow my hair aunty but since I decided that just a couple of weeks ago, I don't think it would grow enough.

Mrs. S: Oh! So we can't do the hair the way we do for the Kolkata ceremony. Is it atleast shoulder length?

Me: Not yet. But maybe it will get there. (Yeah right.)

Mrs. S: Maybe.

Sari Wars - Episode 2: Mummy Attacks

2005-10-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

In case you missed Episode 1, go here.

On phone with amma yesternight:

Amma: So we went and got some saris today. There are these lightweight kancheepurams which are called designer kancheepurams and they are very nice.

Me: Cool. So now that you have bought saris for everyone you know, what's next?

Amma: Don't be stupid. They all get me saris for all their children's weddings. How can we not buy now? You have no respect for culture and tradition at all.

Me: Yeah, yeah, so what else is going on?

Amma: I got five saris for you also. We can exchange them later if you don't like them.

Me: Hang on, you were supposed to buy only two saris for me - one for the wedding and one for the reception. Remember we talked about this before - buying more saris will be totally useless. And you agreed too!

Amma: I know but that was before I talked to Mrs. S.

Me: What's she got to do with it?

Amma: Well, she said she got four saris for you from Kolkata.

Me: She what?

Amma: That's what she told me. All different kinds of saris for you to wear while you are in Kolkata, I believe.

Me: So I am wearing sari and walking around Kolkata now?

Amma: Ofcourse. What did you think you were going to wear? Mini-skirts?

Me: Oh, I see. Total conspiracy happening. Anyway, I can talk to her about it. But you tell why you bought five saris now.

Amma: How can I not buy five? She got four. And anyway you have to wear saris for a lot of ceremonies here too.

Me: Yes, but you have bought me some 10 saris in the past 10 years remember? And all of them are sitting in your closet all this time. What are we going to do with them?

Amma: But they aren't new.

Me: Well, most of them I haven't worn more than once and the rest not at all. Why don't they get classified as new?

Amma: There's no point in talking to you. You always fight about everything. What I am really afraid is you will go and fight with Mrs. S now. You will tell her that you won't wear sari while in Kolkata and what will she think of you? She is such a nice person, so flexible and all that and now she will feel so bad that you are fighting with her.

Me: What are you talking about?

Amma: You were always so insensitive. For once in your life, why can't you listen to us?

Me: Well, I did listen to you. I am getting married, aren't I?

Amma: Here you go again. How can you be so cynical about your marriage? What am I going to do?

Me: I don't know. Just don't buy more than 2 saris for now. And don't you have to talk to the painter or something?

Coming soon: Sari Wars - Episode 3: The In-law Menace

Does she love me?

2005-09-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

Via Chapati Mystery, here's an answer to the age-old question.

My favorite ones:

If you’re Gael Garcia Bernal: She loves you.

If you’re not Gael Garcia Bernal, but you’re willing to sit through a “GGB” marathon and agree for 10 consecutive hours that he is indeed the most beautiful and talented man alive—and so down-to-earth, too!—and afterward agree that his portrayal of Che Guevara would have earned an Oscar nod were it not for the implicit politics, agree that taking Spanish classes is a great idea, or salsa, or tango, whatever, agree, agree, agree, and that night lying in bed after sex that ends with her screaming, “Si! Si!” wonder aloud, “But you’re happy with me, right?”: She loves you, man—no one can compete with that Latin bastard. Forget about it.

Bill, darling, are you listening?

Quick updates

2005-09-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

- Its been slow on the bedding front the last couple of weeks as both sets of parents are in their respective native places getting conned by "evil" relatives. Tamasha guaranteed when they return.

- Wedding invitations are getting printed in three different languages - English, Tamil and Bengali. I have put in a request to print it all national languages and in Braille ofcourse and that's under consideration. Also under consideration is printing invitations for a sabbathal - yes, it will printed in Hebrew as well.

- The kid bro-in-law has finished watching all seasons of Desperate Housewives. Bill laments about how kids of nowadays don't get good treatment(oops, education) in the "institution". Not like the old days, I believe. Would anyone know of a bro-in-law exchange program where I can exchange this one for a non-TV show watching one?
Hang on, while I am at it, can I exchange Bill too? For someone who looks like Ralph Fiennes maybe?

The pre-nup discussion

2005-08-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

Blame this on Shoefiend and JAP. They were the ones who started talking about books and spouses.

Moi: So it was about the book that you would substitute for the spouse. And I am thinking the complete Wilde. I will be happy with Earnest anytime.

Bill: Hmm...that actually brings up something that we need to talk about.

Moi: Like what?

Bill: Well, if we ever decide to go our separate ways, which books do we get?

Moi: What do you mean?

Bill: I mean we need to split our books right?

Moi: Oh that. Thats easy. You take yours, I take mine.

Bill: Yeah but you see by then, it would all be ours. Not mine or yours.

Moi: Not really. The books in this apartment, the ones you see on those shelves, all 452 of them are mine. The books that I see when I am at your place in Pitt, all 43 of them, are yours. EOD.

Bill: I am not sure I agree. Because by then we would be married et al, so it's all ours. Thats the whole point of marriage.

Moi: The whole point of marriage is stealing my books? Do we also get to split all your books back home in Bombay?

Bill: Well, only if we also split yours back in Kerala. And its not about stealing; its about splitting all our worldly possessions fairly.

Moi: But how is it fair? I bring in more "wordly" possessions than you do into the marriage in the first place.

Bill: How do you expect the marriage to work if you keep saying your stuff and my stuff? Its all ours darling.

Moi: Yeah? I don't think so. We need to get a pre-nup going on this.

Bill: Nonsense. We need nothing of the sort. And anyways we will keep buying books after we get married right? So what do we do with them?

Moi: When we buy it, we can decide who gets it and write it down somewhere.

Bill: Let me understand this - when we buy a book, you want to write down who gets the book in case of a divorce?

Moi: Hey, isn't that what this discussion is about anyway?

Bill: I don't believe this is happening. Whats got into you?

Trust me, you don't want to know more. But I will surely let you know when we sign the agreement.

Cookery lessons for the Bride

2005-08-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

Bill and Mrs. S on the phone yesterday -

Bill: Yes, aunty left for India yesterday. Now the Bride has to do all the work. She says she is going to cook today.

Mrs. S: But (insert any gross sounding Bong dhaknam, I will not divulge Bill's as I cannot bring myself to utter it), does she know how to cook?

Bill: Well, aunty's wrote her some huge recipe book and she's using that. Aunty also gave me a recipe book.

Mrs. S: You? What recipe book did she give you?

Bill: You know how I told you she makes excellent radish sambar and chicken samosas and this dosa-like thing called adai. Anyways, I was telling her that I need recipes for all that, so she wrote me a book which has all those recipes and more.

Mrs. S: Radish sambar? What are you doing your PhD on? South Indian cooking?

Bill: Well, I gotta eat na Mummy.

Mrs. S: Whatever. Does the Bride know any Bong recipes?

Bill: If she does, she hides the fact pretty well.

Mrs. S: Okay then, tell her that I am sending her a recipe book. Which will have Macher Kochuri and Tel Koi and all that.

Bill: But I don't think she knows what they are.

Mrs. S: Don't you think its high time she learns?

Bill: I guess.

Mrs. S: Okay then, its all settled. I will mail this tomorrow.

Dear reader from Kolkata

2005-08-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

who googled "sex ed for clueless Bong groom" and got to this site,

I am so sorry that this site is unable to help you in your search. I suggest that you contact Sri Aildas Hemnani of the Manju Sanskar Kendra for help in this regard - I am told that he teaches all secrets to a blissful married life including when to have sex. I am not sure if he has a customized Bong course - I have asked him for it and I will surely let you know when he gets back to me. If you are unable to reach him, I am sure there are many kind-hearted Bong men there in Kolkata who could point you in the right direction. If you unable to find any of them, let me know - I can surely ask Kolkata readers of this blog to see if any of them can give you some clues.

Bill's take on his wedding wear

2005-08-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Being brought up in a good Bong family, I knew vaguely that before my wedding, my father or some other elder would have to have THE TALK with me.

Bong Elder (E) : Son, it is now time to reveal to you the facts of life.

Dutiful Son (S) : Yes, Daddyji. But nowadays, they teach it in school. My school teachers drew lots of diagrams and brought charts in bright colors.

E : Fool! No school teacher, even today, dares detail the mysteries to young kids.

S : I am all ears, Daddyji.

E : Yes, you are going to be a man, my son. It is time you know .... the correct way to tie a Bong dhoti!

S : Gulp! What are you talking about?

E : You thought the storks bring a well-tied dhoti? It is an intricate process. It takes hours to learn. It takes a lifetime to perfect. A dhoti is an art form. Not like those uncultured people everywhere else, who might as well wrap a towel for the dhoti they wear.

And so the proud dhoti-waving bongs preserve their culture across centuries, maybe millenia. I am told adolescent females have similar talks about facts of life with elderly aunts, and emerge knowing how to wear a sari.

Unfortunately, this Bong is going to marry into a Tamil family, and the wedding is going to be in the land of towel-wrappers. Thus it is that I will break with hundreds of years of tradition, and the noble art of tying a dhoti will not be passed on to me. But my dear mother is not giving up the good fight of having some token Bong symbols. I will be donning another mark of the dashing Bong groom, the topor (also known to non Bengalis as a fool's cap).

Then again, even worse might be in store. Secret sources inform one that Tamil weddings require the groom to go topless. No shirts, no kurtas, not even a protective shawl!

(I must note that The Bride assures me this wedding is not like that, their family does not do things that way. I ask you, how much faith should I have in that, when she wakes up in the middle of the night muttering dialogues from Kill Bill?)

See, we Bong men have no illusions about having broad chests, bulging biceps and ripped abs. In Bong weddings, you are decently covered up. Looks like it is time to hit the gym with a vengeance.

Anyway, in summary, here's my wedding attire then. Towel wrapped around legs, nothing on the upper body, and a white dunce cap. Weddings, I am learning, are for the masochistic.

Bhooth, Boudi what?

2005-08-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

Exchanged a couple of mails with the kid brother-in-law. He claims that on those days when he is feeling particularly respectful, he is going to call me 'boudi'. No offence to the language (most of the time I actually think it sounds beautiful) but boudi? Is that some variation of bhooth or what? What a name to call the new addition to your family!

A letter to Sri Aildas Hemnani

2005-08-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

To
Sri Aildas Hemnani,
Manju Sanskar Kendra,
Bhopal

Dear Sri Hemnani,

A thousand pranams. First of all, I'd like to apologize for taking the liberty to write to you - I understand that women are not supposed to know how to read or write unless its absolutely essential for the family, but I assure you that this is not my fault. My parents have no respect for our ancient culture and they sent me to an immoral school(can you believe that they had boys and girls in the same classroom?) where they taught me a number of useless subjects such as Science, History and English. I also understand that I am not supposed to write to a complete stranger, that too to a man, but again, its all my parents' fault. If they knew that I wanted to join your school, they would probably shut me up somewhere and never let me out.

My wedding has been set for December, the 5th of this year to a Bengali man who I will refer to as Bill. As I am a traditional bharateeya nari, I cannot bring myself to call my future husband by his given name and so I came up with Bill which sounded very respectful. I must tell you that I got the name from an English movie where Bill, the hero, assembles an assassination squad to kill the woman who crossed him (like any self-respecting Indian man). I hope you never see what happens next in the movie. I must also confess here that I have met my Bill mumerous times but mostly against my wishes. Both Bill and my parents have ganged up on me and they claim that the bride and groom should actually get to know each other before they get married. I know I am not even supposed to see his picture before the wedding but what am I to do? When we were in college in this strange land, I would take care not to look up at any man but Bill would force me to look up at him. What am I to do? How could I disobey a man's orders? Am I not a proper Indian woman? And when I started getting all bad, bad thoughts about Bill - I tried, I really tried to control myself but you must remember that I did not have the benefit of attending your school then - I confessed to my parents and told them that I deserve a good thrashing and they should have gotten me married off to a nice, Tamilian boy when I was 13 years old. But what did they do? They decided to get me married off to Bill. Can you believe that?

Anyway, I do not dare disobey my family and so I will marry Bill. But since I have not received any training on how to be a proper wife, I am really afraid that things will go wrong. I just heard about your school from Uma, who plans to attend your school though she is already married. She has realised the error of her ways and would like to reform. I would also like to join your school and I really hope you would consider me. However, I do have a question for you - Do you happen to have a branch of your school in Kolkata? Because you see, the Bong families have their own ways of doing things - for example, they might sing Rabindra sangeet rather than bhajans; they might have special pujas to appease Durga ma; they might want the bride to cook fish all the time; since they are quite lazy, they might have sex only once a week; and since they wake up late, the early morning puja time may be different. So if you have a localized Bong bride school in Kolkata, I'd definitely prefer that. Even if you don't have a school in Kolkata, I am atleast hoping that you can have a camp there maybe. I have heard there are thousands of clueless brides there just waiting for a school like this to happen.

Yours truly,
A soon-to-be Bride.

Of water and seagulls

2005-07-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Bill and I took my parents on a desi pilgrimage to Niagara Falls last weekend. My parents were suitably impressed by both the American and the horseshoe falls. Though appa was like "What a pity! You can't bathe here. Now if this was my beloved Kuttralam...."! For our part, Bill and I were reminded of our time in Kenai Fjords National Park last summer and couldn't stop telling parents about how these falls pale in comparison to the magnificent glaciers we hiked on in Alaska. Appa, Amma got sick of hearing about Alaska after sometime and we were told to shut up.

Most of the time we were at Niagara, I felt like being part of someone else's life - one of the umpteen desi couples who bring their parents to Niagara on a summer weekend. How uncool! Some of the Bong's pretentiousness must be rubbing off on me :(

Anyway, while I was on Luna Island looking at the American falls contemplating life, universe and everything, I saw Jonathan! There he was, a lone seagull at the edge of the waterfall, the last possible place where a bird can be without being carried away by the waters. Standing where no other seagull would ever think of standing, he was proudly looking up at all of us mundane losers standing on solid ground well behind the railings. I ran back to find Bill and show him Jonathan; Bill wasn't very impressed by him. Instead he asked me in his mocking voice - "Do you know why these seagulls are gullible? Just like the ones you have in your Lake Michigan?". I said I didn't want to know the answer. But he answered it all the same - "Because they think this is the sea."

Can someone kill Bill for me please? Wait, isn't that what I am supposed to do?

Goopy, Bagha and the Bong family

2005-07-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

Do you know the lyrics of 'O Mantrimasai' or 'Bhuter raja dil baar'? Can you sing it now? If the answer is No(which it will be for the vast majority of us ordinary mortals), I am sorry to say that you have had a deprived childhood. Or so says Bill. Apparently all Bong kids grow up with Goopy and Bagha regardless of where they grow up. And they all dream of getting their contributions published in 'Sandesh'. So if you happen to be one of those losers who happens to have a Bong friend, let alone a boyfriend or spouse, you will have no choice but to watch the movie.

No, no its not enough that you happen to like Ray and you have watched Charulata and the Apu trilogy. Its not enough that you read Tagore and can appreciate Rabindra sangeet. Its really not enough that you can speak Marxism with the union leader uncle in the family. To be a part of a proper Bong family, you should be able to quote dialogues from Goopy Gyne Bagha Byne.

I am very much honored to report today that I have now been officialy welcomed into Bill's family. This was as a result of me being a proud owner of a Goopy Gyne Bagha Byne VCD. No points for guessing how it came into my possession.

PS: I must say here that I actually ended up enjoying the movie. For all I know, my new Bong family might be passing this way. O Mantrimasai....

Bill's new business plan

2005-07-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Life is getting terribly expensive, especially with the bedding et al. Bill has no money since he's squandered his student allowance traveling the world, the Bride's done the same with her salary. So the lazy Bong has come up with a money-making scheme. We all go to Vegas for the Bachelor(ette) and there Bill will bring down the house. Instead of staring at the ceiling for hours together to prove a theorem, he will now stare at the ceiling and come up with a way to win at Blackjack. Eventually he will be the founder of the CMU Blackjack team, an offshoot of the MIT one. Bill and the Bride will live happily ever after on the money thus made and go off on a thousand more travels. How like Bill to come up with a plan that has a zero percent chance of success!

Meet the Parents

2005-07-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

Bill spent the weekend with moi and parents. The salient points of the visit are:

1. After every meal, Bill and Amma dear diligently fought over who gets to wash the dishes. Amma wasn't about to let her future son-in-law wash dishes but Bill wasn't giving in either. He seemed to have gotten this new obsession for washing every dish in my apartment(very unlike his usual self, needless to say). Both Appa and moi peacefully retired to the living room as soon as we finished eating and shut out the din from the kitchen.

2. At every possible opportunity, Appa was asking Bill about his future career plans. Bill replied with characteristic nonchalance giving away no new information. Appa dear had no choice but to be content with a perpetual grad student for his son-in-law.

3. Amma explained to Bill about all the jewelry she would be buying for him(Yes, you heard it right. Its for Bill. Apparently she has to buy some ring and chain and bracelet and what not!) and Bill threatened to walk out of mandap. Amma dear got all emotional and flustered and it took some time for things to be back to normal.

4. In a move that completely astonished moi, Appa dear suggested that Bill and I sleep in my bedroom. His reasoning was very simple - "It isn't like you both sleep 50 feet apart when we aren't here"! No self-respecting Indian parent is going to talk to my Dad anymore. Go Appa!

5. Another dear friend of moi from Austin was also visiting us this weekend and he was definitely a huge catalyst in "SIL-MIL-FIL" interactions!

Scorched!

2005-07-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

Black Mamba suggests an Arya Samaj wedding so that we know for sure what we are signing up for. Won't work for us as it has too much religion without the paraphernalia and what I want is the general tamasha without the religion. But there seem to be some interesting vows in the Arya Samaj style - here's the bride's wedding vow:

"I take your hand in mine in pursuit of righteousness for the benefit of both our families. I will stand by you. May we be provided with prosperity and offspring and may I keep you splendidly radiant as the rays of the sun."

Splendidly radiant as the rays of the sun? Imagine Bill spendidly radiant as the rays of the sun. Just remind me to put crates full of sunblock and sunglasses in the registry. :)

This just in...

2005-06-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

Bill and the Brides' families, after days of negotiations, have finally reached an agreement on who gets to conduct the actual wedding ceremony. The wedding will be conducted jointly by a Tam priest and a Bong priest. These priests would have to decide on wedding day what specific mantras/shlokas should be recited, in what order and who gets to recite them. They would also need to figure out how to interweave specific Tam and Bong ceremonies so as to make the process as seamless as possible.

The task of finding a Bong priest in Trivandrum will be Mr. M's responsibility. He will be talking to the local Bong association to see whether a priest is available. Reliable sources claim that there's a high possibility of some 'emergency' happening to this soon-to-be-found-Bong priest at the last minute though Mr. M has denied it quite vehmently.

It must be mentioned here that both Bill and the Bride, being non-religious to a fault, had put forth the suggestion of having no priest for the wedding. Needless to say, it was rejected within a second of the suggestion being made. Now all we look forward to is the image of both of us sitting on the mandap, all dressed up, waiting for the priests to stop fighting about which mantra to recite. Maybe we weren't meant to get married.

Flower Power

2005-06-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

Mr M: Hello Bill, I have great news! Today we just met the most important person for the wedding.

Bill: Who did you meet? (thinks: hmm, who is this most important person? The couple aren't important for sure, but who? Elders? The priest? This being Kerala, maybe some union leader?)

Mr M: Yes, we met.... (beat of drums).... THE FLOWER GUY!

Bill: Oh. That's wonderful !?! (Man, these mallu union types have weird pseudonyms)

Mr M: Yes, he saw the mandap, he is going to decorate it with « five flowers you have never heard of, you Bombay-bred kid »

Bill: Great!

Mr M: Yes, he came today from Pollachi.

Bill: Is that like Trivandrum main market street?

Mr M: Heh heh, you are funny. Actually its not that far, he only had to drive some eight hours.

Bill: Eight hours, huh? No, that does not sound very far. (Man, this wedding thing is totally nuts!)

Update from the Bride: For the uninitiated, Pollachi is a small town in Tamland; an hour from Coimbatore(or Palghat) and its famous for its flower markets. It lies a mere 400 kms Northeast of Trivandrum where the wedding will take place.

Give the Bong a fish

2005-06-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

Mr. S: Its all set then. We will have the wedding and reception down South and then we will have a ceremony and reception in Kolkata and ofcourse, a small reception in Bombay later.

Mr. M: Great! This is going to be a beautiful wedding. Do you have any specific customs that you would like to include as part of the marriage ceremony?

Mr. S: Of course. We have some very interesting customs. Like when 'we, the people' from the groom's side will bring a huge fish covered with sindoor. Can we get a big fish in Trivandrum?

Mr. M: A big fish? Yes, yes, we can get one of those nice handcrafted wooden fishes from the crafts institute. It will look very beautiful. We can ask them to make it in sandalwood.

Mr. S: No no Mr M. I mean a real fish.

Mr. M: A real fish?

Mr. S: Yes, a real fish

Mr. M: Like one from the sea?

Mr. S: We are used to the river ones but I guess we can make do with one from the sea instead.

Mr. M: If thats the case, maybe we can go the fishermen's pier in the morning and get one. They might have some good ones. Do we have to eat this fish?

Mr. S: Well, I guess your daughter's supposed to cook it for all of us. But no need to trouble her. Plus I am not sure whether she knows how to cook the fish.

Mr. M: I know that she can't cook...wait..er...I meant that she doesn't know how to make fish in your style. She, ofcourse, makes excellent fish molly and chettinad fish curry.

Mr. S looking very skeptical: Ofcourse, ofcourse.

Bill's song for our w(b)edding

2005-06-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

"Bong Bong He shot me down
Bong Bong I hit the ground
Bong Bong That awful sound
Bong Bong My baby shot me down

Music played and people sang
Just for me the churchbells rang
Now he's gone I don't know why
Until this day sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie

Bong Bong He shot me down
Bong Bong I hit the ground
Bong Bong That awful sound
Bong Bong My baby shot me down"

Yeah right! Keep wishing.

But what about the groom?

2005-06-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah - there's a preview of Bill too. Just cut that down to half-size. Thanks again to Da Black Mamba who seems to be spending more time than me in finding wedding costumes.

The Bridal look

2005-06-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

Now that everyone is curious how the Bride is going to look in her red Banarasi sari, here's a preview.

Courtesy: Da Black Mamba.

Round 1: Banarasi vs. Kancheevaram

2005-06-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

Mrs. S: Hello, Mrs. M. Hope you are doing well.

Mrs. M: Yes, yes. How are you Mrs. S?

Mrs. S: We are all fine. Have you heard from the children?

Mrs. M: Oh yes, they called from somewhere in Alaska; they are climbing icebergs or glaciers or something. Very dangerous, I told them. But when did they ever listen to us?

Mrs. S: Thats true! Can you hold on a minute?

(Mrs. S mutes the phone and tells her beloved: "Wonder why they didn't call us. They called her parents from Alaska." She unmutes and talks on the phone)

Mrs S: Anyways, Mrs M. We will be going to Kolkata this week and we just wanted to confirm that we will be buying a red banarasi sari for the wedding.

(Silence for a minute)

Mrs. M: But Mrs. S, We are used to buying grand, red Kancheevarams. We can buy the wedding sari ourselves.

Mrs. S: No, no. I talked to my Tamilian friend here and she says that as per Tamil custom, I have to buy the sari for my daughter-in-law!

Mrs. M: Then maybe you can buy a Kancheevaram!

Mrs. S: But our Banarasis are so grand and so beautiful.

Mrs. M: Well, lets follow the Bengali custom and we will buy the sari ourselves.

Mrs. S: No, no, we will go as per your custom.

Mrs. M: Could you hold on a minute?

(Mrs. M mutes and talks to her husband.

Mrs. M: What am I going to do? How can I let my daughter wear some random Banarasi sari for the wedding? What am I going to tell my friends?

Mr. M: Maybe she doesn't have to wear it for long and change into a Kancheevaram soon. We can always invent some ceremony or other to wear a different sari, right? You don't fight with them now.

Mrs. M: But still! How will my daughter get married without a Kancheevaram?

Mr. M: Its better than your daughter getting married without a groom.

Mrs. M makes a face and then umutes and talks into the phone)

Mrs. M: Its allright then, Mrs. S. You go ahead and buy the sari. But just wanted to let you know that the wedding sari is worn for hardly 10 minutes. We have this other ceremony for which we have to change sari.

Mrs. S: Thats allright. We will go ahead and buy the sari. Good to speak to you!

Mrs. M: Good to speak to you too, Mrs. S. Have a good trip to Kolkata.

About the blog

2005-06-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

What does one do when one falls in love with one of those lazy, pretentious, vertically-challenged Bong men? Well, if I had any sense, I would have indulged in certain kinds of pseudo-intellectual pursuits for a couple of months and then once we had exhausted everything from Kant to Marx to Tolkien, I would have said a poignant goodbye to the man over a beautiful Key West sunset. Or maybe over some excellent Pisco sours in the the heights of Machu Pichu; there's definitely no shortage of breathtaking break-up locations. And then I would have promptly gone back home and married that nice Tam boy my appa so dutifully picked out for me and lived happily ever after. But alas! there's no point in discussing what would have been. For now, let it suffice to say that I am supposed to be getting married off to my Bong fiance on December, the 5th of this year. And I plan to document my gradual initiation(indoctrination?) into the Bong way of life in these pages in the months to come.